Memory
by Rhiannon87
Summary: Aeris resurrection fic... but with a twist. Consider yourselves warned.


Memory 

_"So get back to where we lasted,_

_Just like I imagined_

_I could never feel this way_

_So get back to the disaster_

_My heart's beating faster_

_Holding on to feel the same…"_

_-Sugarcult, "Memory"_

They've won. They really did it, they… we won. I felt it, felt when Holy was released, when the Lifestream came to its aid… it was hard for me to hold together, but I managed.

And now… the Planet is making me an offer. You're the last of our protectors, it says. You died too young, and to save us. We owe you our very existence. The least we can do is return yours.

To live again. The idea makes me giddy. All those who I love and had to leave-- Marlene, Red XIII, Tifa… and Cloud. I'll finally be able to see the real Cloud, to tell him everything.

The Planet waits for me to answer.

"Yes," I whisper into the sea of green. "Yes, please…" There's a sudden rushing sensation, an instant of blinding pain, then darkness.

I open my eyes to see blue water and sunlight. I cough and brush my soaking wet hair out of my face, trying to get my bearings. I'm somewhere in the Forgotten City, in a pool… the one near the staircase… yes, I remember. I cough again and wade towards the edge.

"Sounds like someone's here," a familiar voice says, and I snap my head up. Tifa? What's she doing here?

"I'll go look," she continues, and I hear her footsteps as she walks around the corner and into view. I blink in shock. She looks older… not that much older, but at least a year has passed. Her black hair is a little shorter, and hangs loose around her face. She's traded in the white shirt and mini skirt for a black tank top and black shorts. She's still wearing her fighting gloves, though.

Tifa glances around, then spots me and stops dead. She shakes her head, squeezes her eyes shut, then opens them again and stares at me.

"Impossible…" she whispers, walking slowly towards me. "Aeris?" she asks, almost fearfully, when she gets within a few feet of me. I nod and smile slightly. Her reaction is a surprise; she nearly tackles me backwards into the water in a crushing hug.

"Oh my God, you're real!" she laughs. She steps back and wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. "He's not gonna believe this," she says, then turns back towards the entrance.

"Cloud! Cloud, get in here, quick!"

My heart skips a beat as I hear his voice. "Tifa, what it is? Is something wrong--" He rounds the corner and stops, staring at me. Planet, how long has it been? He's changed so much. Physically, he doesn't look that different-- his clothes are similar in style to his SOLIDER uniform, and he doesn't look that much older-- but he's _changed_. The paradoxical blend of arrogance and uncertainty that characterized him is gone, replaced by a quiet confidence. It takes me a minute to realize that this is the real Cloud I wanted so desperately to meet.

Cloud wavers slightly, looking like he might lose his balance. He puts a hand out and leans on the rock wall. "Are…are you real?" he asks quietly. I nod and take a few steps towards him. Tifa is silent.

"Yes… I'm pretty sure I am," I reply. Cloud half-stumbles, half-walks towards me, stopping at arm's length. He raises a hand to my face, then lightly brushes his fingers across my cheek, as if he's afraid I'll break. When I don't shatter or disappear, he half-laughs and throws his arms around me. I hug him back, hiding my face in his shoulder. "Cloud…" I whisper, and he tightens his arms around me. Eventually, he draws back and blinks away tears. "Let's go," he says roughly, nodding to Tifa. She falls in step beside him as we walk out.

"Cloud… how long has it been?" I ask suddenly. He glances at me, as if the sound of my voice startles him. It probably does, I think sadly.

"About… about a year and a half," he replies. I shake my head, frowning.

"I… I've missed so much…" I murmur.

"It'll be okay," Cloud says reassuringly. "We'll make sure you catch up on everything."

Tifa nods in agreement, smiling at me. "Everyone'll be so happy to see you," she says. We arrive at the entrance to the City, and I blink at the bright sunlight. Cloud frowns and glances around. As if reading his thoughts, Tifa taps him on the arm and says, "Why don't you call Cid? He's near Midgar now, it won't take him long to get here in the _Highwind II_." Cloud looks at her and smiles, then pulls out his PHS.

Something about that exchange unsettles me, but I can't figure out why. It continues to bother me while Cloud talks to Cid, and while he and Tifa fill me in on the events of the past eighteen months as we walk towards the Sleeping Forest. I can tell they're leaving some parts out, by the way they glance at each other at certain parts in their stories. Eventually, though, they get to more recent events.

"So Red's been in Cosmo Canyon with Vincent, doing research on the Planet and how much damage the Mako reactors and Meteor did. Reeve is the new President of Shin-Ra, simply because he's the only one left. Yuffie went back to Wutai, but she acts as a sort of liason between Wutai and Shin-Ra," Tifa is saying, counting people off on her fingers. "Barret alternates between North Corel and Midgar-- he's trying to get the coal mines opened again, so he's working with Reeve on that. Cid's still in Rocket Town with Shera, and if he doesn't propose to her soon I'm gonna be out a lot of gil."

Cloud chuckles and shakes his head. "You're the one who started the pool, if I recall correctly," he says with a grin. Tifa shrugs and continues, ignoring Cloud's comment. "And I'm running a bar in Midgar, and Cloud is a deadbeat living on other people's charity."

"I am not! I'm just between jobs now," Cloud retorts defensively. Tifa raises an eyebrow. "Right… between jobs for five months now? Even though Reeve's offered you a few jobs with Shin-Ra?"

"If you want me to leave that badly, I will."

"Nah… who will I get to throw out the violent drunks if you disappear on me?" Tifa laughs and Cloud rolls his eyes, and the whole argument has a feeling of scripted familiarity. They've had this fight before. It's probably a running joke between them.

I can't fight the sudden wave of loneliness that hits me, and I close my eyes.

"Hey, Cid's here!" Tifa says, and I open my eyes and look skyward. The airship is descending towards us, and Cloud steps towards me.

"Hey," he says softly. I look up at him, and he smiles a bit, tilting his head towards the landing ship. "I finally get to keep that promise to you, about taking you on it someday." I smile back, the loneliness retreating to the back of my mind as Cid jogs towards us. He stops, stares, rubs at his eyes, then looks at me again.

"Holy shit, woman! I thought you were dead!"

"This may never start, we could fall apart, and I'd be your memory…"

Cid's reaction is probably the bluntest of the whole group. I get a lot of hugs, a lot of tears, a lot of demands for explanations. All I can tell them is that the Planet gave me another chance. Tifa offers to let me stay with her and Cloud in Midgar for a while, and I gratefully accept. Tifa and I spend an entertaining day shopping, since most of my things were lost when Meteor hit Midgar. I eventually get settled in, and everyone returns to their lives. That's when Cloud decides he wants to talk.

"Hey, Aeris, are you busy?"

I look over to my doorway, where Cloud is leaning casually. I still can't get past how different he is. It's like there's something missing in my perception of him, something important, and I can't figure out what.

"No, not really." I close the drawer I was filling with blankets and sit down on the bed, patting a spot beside me. Cloud walks in and perches on the corner, watching me.

"What was it like?" he asks. "I mean, uhm, you know--"

"Being dead?" I ask dryly. He winces slightly but nods. I sigh, staring at a point past his shoulder. "It was… I don't know if there are words to describe it. It was—well, you said you and Tifa fell into the Lifestream, right?" He nods again, watching me intently. "It felt like that, only… more, probably." I shrug. "I really can't describe it."

Cloud frowns, staring at me. I get the impression that while he's looking at me, he doesn't really see me.

"Cloud, speaking of your time in the Lifestream… what happened? With you and Tifa? You just said she helped you figure out who the real you was, but… how?" I ask. The changes in their relationship are… unnerving, I guess. I want to know what happened to make them so much closer to each other. Cloud blinks, and then focuses on me. "I—I can't really talk about it much. It's… personal," he says. I grin and poke him in the arm.

"What, did you confess your undying love or something?" I tease. Cloud blinks, and then blushes and looks away. "I—I—no, it wasn't—I mean, uh… no, not like that," he stammers. His reaction is surprising, to say the least. The Cloud I remember would've shrugged something like that off, or glared and said "It's personal" again. He wouldn't have gotten so… flustered. He wouldn't have acted like he—

Oh. He's in love with her. Of course.

"Hey, Cloud!" Tifa shouts from the bar, and he turns towards the door. "Yeah?" he hollers back.

"Get in here, I need you to move this for me!"

Cloud turns back to me and rolls his eyes, looking apologetic.

"Sorry, I--"

I smile and shake my head, making shooing motions at him. "It's fine. Better go before she comes in here and bodily hauls you out."

He grins and stands up as Tifa shouts again. "CLOUD!" She doesn't sound angry, just exasperated. It's probably something heavy she tried to move, couldn't, and now she's annoyed that she has to ask for help.

"I'm coming!" Cloud says as he leaves. I suddenly realize two things as he walks out the door. The first is the reason he seems so different to me. He doesn't remind me of Zack anymore. This is the real Cloud, the one I wanted to meet so long ago.

The second is that I don't love him.

_"This may never start, tearing out my heart, I'd be your memory…."_

A few weeks go by. Cloud and Tifa notice that I'm acting strangely. Tifa asks me if I'm okay, if there's anything she can do. When I shrug and shake my head, she gives me a hug, telling me that I can talk to her if I need to.

I don't need to talk to her, though. I know what's wrong. I've realized my reason for coming back doesn't exist anymore. I'd… I had always known that Cloud reminded me of Zack. I didn't know how much of Zack was in him until now. Nor did I know how much the resemblance to Zack influenced me. I thought I was in love with Cloud, but… I was just still in love with Zack. I never got over losing him. There's always been a piece of my heart that belongs to him. That part saw Zack in Cloud and fell for him all over again. And now that the last bits of Zack are really and truly gone… it's like losing him for a second time. And it's losing Cloud, and my reason to keep living.

Cloud told me that he and the others would be there for me, but they can't help me now. I'm alone.

_I'm sitting in the window, watching the patrons of the bar leave. Tifa walks the last one out the door and stands outside, staring up at the stars. Cloud joins her after a few minutes and stares at her. They don't know I'm here._

"No moon tonight," Tifa comments. Cloud takes his eyes off of Tifa and glances up at the semi-cloudy sky.

"It might just be hidden by the clouds," he says. Tifa shakes her head.

"No… it's a new moon anyhow, I don't think we could see it even if it was clear." Cloud sighs and abruptly changes the subject. "I'm worried about Aeris."

"Me too." Tifa looks back at the ground and wraps her arms around herself. Cloud shakes his head and continues. "She's not happy."

"I can't say I blame her. I mean, everything is so different. The Planet has changed, we've changed--"

"Yeah, I know." Cloud sighs again, looking worried. "I-I'm afraid she decided to come back because of me. Because of how she felt about me." Even in the half-light from the bar, I can see Tifa stiffen. Cloud continues. "But…I…Aeris is my friend, and I care about her a lot. But… just as a friend, nothing more." His expression changes from concern to something strange and yet heartbreakingly familiar. "Not like how I feel about you."

Tifa whirls around to face him, eyes wide. "Cloud--"

"Tifa, I—I've known how you feel—about me for a long time, and I… I've been too scared to say anything. But… I…" He shakes his head and looks down. "I've kept you waiting a long time, and if you don't--"

"Cloud." Tifa's voice is a blend of apprehension and joy. "If you're saying what I think you are--"

Cloud smiles and takes a step towards her. "If you think I'm saying that I love you, Tifa, then yes, you're right," he says softly. Tifa doesn't say a word; she throws herself into his open arms, hugging him tightly. She whispers something in his ear and he laughs, holding her closer.

I should feel jealous, I think as I watch them kiss. I should be angry or devastated—

But all I feel is empty, and somewhere deep inside, happy that Cloud is whole.

"Lost your sense of fear, feelings disappeared, can I be your memory?"

They actually manage to keep it a "secret" for two whole days until I walk in on them kissing in the bar. I need to find a new pen and interrupt them.

"Hey, Tifa, would you happen to have any pens around?" They simultaneously jump apart from each other, looking at me guiltily.

"What?" I ask, quickly conjuring up a smile. It feels almost genuine. "I'm glad you two finally figured yourselves out. Now find me a pen or point me in the direction of one and I'll leave you two alone."

Cloud blushes again while Tifa straightens her hair. "Check the desk in the hall," she says, clearing her throat. I nod and walk away, listening to the murmur of their voices as I rummage through the drawers. I finally find a working pen and return to my room to finish… well, I suppose it's my suicide note. I feel horrible for leaving Cloud again, but he has Tifa. I think she'll understand, even if he doesn't.

"_I'm not needed anymore. My purpose was to bring Holy, and I did that. My time on this Planet is over. I'm sorry for hurting you again, but… it's better this way."_

Later, I tell them I'm going for a walk. Cloud tells me to be careful as I leave, and I almost start to cry. I know that I have to do this, though.

It's nearly dawn by the time I reach the cliffs outside of Midgar. I'm sure they've found my note, and I'm trying not to think about Cloud. I may not love him, but I do care about him. And I regret having to hurt him. I regret coming back at all.

I take a last look at the sunrise, then jump off the cliffs towards the ocean. As I fall, I can hear the Planet screaming at my rejection of its gift. But it's not a gift I should have had in the first place.

There's a moment of blinding pain as I hit the water, then darkness. Dying feels a lot like coming back to life.

" Can I be your memory?"


End file.
